guy:

I JUST STUBBED MY FUCKING TOE SO HARD BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT JESUS GOT NAILED TO THE CROSS SO IM JUST GONNA SHUT UP

illkim:

"Mom can we get McDonalds?"

"Eat what’s in the fridge"

image

  • while eating food: hell yassss ne regrats i feel alive nobody can stop me now
  • the aftermath: shit im so fat why did i have to do that why can't just fucking say no god what's wrong with me, etc.

sadnessandpuns:

On my tombstone please write “Not appreciating my puns when I was alive was a grave mistake”

cooldadgang:

when small children in public stare at you

image

circumcisions:

circumcisions:

sluttyoliveoil:

hey someone told me you remind them of an owl

who

FUCK

rapldashing:

I don’t care that I am a full grown human my parents should still carry me in from the car when I pretend to be asleep